Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Paradigm of Immaturity
Dearest Samuel*,
Have you ever experienced jealousy before? Jealousy that is so overpowering that it breaks your chair and shatters your window? Jealousy that unleashes itself through Love. Spot the irony? It's a glitch in my system. It spreads like a cancer. I can feel it in my blood, I can feel it weaving through my heart, intertwining itself with my veins. I can feel it past the tips of my fingers, raging in my mind, driving me to madness. It cuts you. Damn, it cuts you. Samuel it hurts. You don't see it through these broken lenses, do you? I'm sorry for being absolutely selfish and foolishly sarcastic, but thanks, thanks for merely using me as a freaking toy after all these years. Now I can go enroll myself in Toy Story3. And yes, FYI, you have already objectified me. I don't need a freaking Mcflurry to prove it.
So what am I expecting from you? What expectations have I already set in the past that you've failed to meet? Perhaps the fault lies within me, because I was expecting more than this. I can't blame you even if you did subscribe to means of moral obligation. So again, what am I expecting from all of this? An apology? A mere apology and a most humble 'thank you'? I feel gravely unsettled. Soon, you will desire like how a twice poisoned dog desired for the third piece of meat.
After all, isn't Jealousy just fear of abandonment? Isn't Jealousy more self-love than Love? Jealousy and Love are in fact most incompatible! Jealousy is merely an emotion, whilst Love is more than just an emotion, more than just a feeling. Shit, when you pair them up, all you get is torment and turmoil. I'm so useless I wish I could become a bag of blood and donate myself to the Blood Bank to save lives.
Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey, but also its raging heart. I'm sorry, Samuel.
Love,
Denise Cheong.
*names have been changed to protect identities.
tried to hunch; 11:55 PM
