men and women were created differently. it has been well documented by famous Kazakh doctors that males are endowed with huge brains and superior intellect, wheras women have brains the size walnuts, which doesnt bode to well for them at all. also, the great and wise captain of Man Utd, Sir Gary Neville, often remarks that they "smell funny". do not doubt such wise counsel, for Sir Neville is the owner of a proud and bushy moustache, which is obviously the source of all knowledge and wisdom on this earth, and which is another reason whyee extremely few women are capable of anything other than basic cognitive function. one such example would be Guo Xiuzhan, a female blessed with mounds of facial hair such that many mistake her for a big shaggy dog.do not mistake me for a sexist. i am no such thing. despite their many many many many flaws, women do have a few things going for them. they are usually docile creatures, although this may be partly genetic(see above: lack of cognitive function; barely sentient). they are also fairly useful for fetching stuff around e house, such as remote controls, socks and soiled underwear. my poor maid was the unfortunate victim of that last item, and often had to endure the manly stench of little Timmy's faecal stains on his cute widdle bwiefs. well, i suppose thats it really.
however, females around me seem to be forgetting their place lately. they seem to become more self-aware, about the level of an ape of sorts. surely this is a sign of the end times. this truly frightens me. yesterday, i saw a female multiply 2 by 5... correctly. as opposed to the natural way they are supposed to behave- sit and think for a long while before blabbing utter nonsense like "bah" or "goourgh". i screamed and ran away.
today, the apocalypse is truly upon us. upon reaching home from my overnight weekend duty guarding the fortress that is CMPB, i fully expected lavish attention and a feast to be prepared in my honor. instead, i was served banal fare, without so much as a piece of fried chicken to honor my male heroism. luckily, i was tolerant, and did not unleash Male Mayhem upon my fascist mother and sister. i did however suspect them of being Nazis. after dinner, i proceeded to the tv room to watch House, which is a show about a brilliant male diagnostician and his 2 brilliant male doctors, and a rather inferior and incompetent female. her lack of a moustache severely undermines her credibility.
but i digress. i was relaxing on my big bed, when my sister barged in and sat on the side of the bed. such audacity has never been known since the day Adam commanded Eve to weed the Garden of Eden and wash his toes. it was an outrage of biblical proportions, and i fully intended to deal out swift and harsh justice. as is said in the Criminal Act: men are a law unto themselves and are to smack women who irritate them. i raised my mighty fist to strike sense into this female, when suddenly my mother appeared. i usually call her MooMoo to symolize her resemblence to a cow(a lower life form), and i immediately ordered her to fetch me some chips and a ham and cheese sandwich. instead, she smacked me hard and ordered me to shut up. i was close to weeping. it was like a terrifying scene from a feminist horror film. shuddering in fear, i kept to myself for the rest of the program, praying that this was all just a horrible nightmare.
alas it is not to be. i fear for my brothers everywhere. something must be done to stamp out this rebellion. i cannot imagine a world where a female is allowed to speak to a man and look him in the eye. it is utterly rude and unacceptable in modern society, which has taught us that women should always look at a men's toes and address him as Superior One. today they refuse to make food. tomorrow they will be reading and doing maths, and the future looks very very dark indeed.